lamaze breathing

ok, so.....sometime around 9:00 am, just after the plumber's insurance adjuster left after seeing the damage done in the second internal water disaster last wednesday....i decided that i would take time to move my select belongings from the downstairs makeshift office back into my repainted and refloored upstairs office. Most of my files and delicates (baskets, prints, diplomas) were in boxes in the conference room, but the files I thought I might need in the interim were with me in the near-broom closet i have called home for several weeks....and so i grabbed the dolly (?dollie)dragged it into the elevator...and pressed 1....and the elevator went down, but the door did not open.....and so i pressed 1 again.....and then pressed door open, and then started beating on the door until i noticed a call button....which buzzed loudly....i buzzed for a bit before i noticed the emergency call phone hidden behind the emergency call phone panel.....and i pressed the button clearly labeled in red....press for help......and a human voice answered.....and i told her that i was trapped in the elevator at the MCHD.....and she asked my name.....and after i spelled it out, she responded with....someone will be there shortly jackie.....and so the regrets started welling up....regret that i am not one of those people who carries one's cell phone around 24/7.....regret that i had not told anyone in the building that i was going to be using the elevator.....regret that i had not used the restroom first.....or gotten a drink of water......or thought to bring along a chair rather than a dolly (dollie)....with the recovery/restoration projects since the original water disaster on may 1, the floor of the elevator has become quite soiled.......at no point in my captivity did the notion of actually sitting down sound like a reasonable plan......so....help was on the way.......yet i was still confined and getting a tad warm...i took off my linen 'big' shirt and arranged it on the dolly (dollie)....a hymn came into my brain.......standing on the promises that cannot fail, when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, by the living word of god I shall prevail,
Standing on the promises of God.......it is not even a hymn from the past sunday....so i can credit only Divine providence for sending this song into my brain.....of course, this was not the verse that i tried to sing...this happens to be the second verse.....and the act of trying to sing the song triggered a cathartic cry...not sobbing, not simple tears trickling down the cheeks.....just an outward sign that i was having an inward crisis at almost 9 weeks after the may 1 disaster...but even that explanation lacks the full amplitude of my angst.....i have as many or more issues at home that await resolution........and none that can be reolved while awaiting rescue.....so i reverted back to the last time i prepared physically for tense and trying times....lamaze class 27 years ago.....and it was lamaze breathing for the remainign minutes of my entrapment that allowed me to step out of the (braced) elevator door into freedom with my head held high and my tears nearly dried and forgotten.......

missing my dad.....

ok, so yesterday at the red lobster, where my mom and i ate after picking up the remainder of our 30-year anniversary replacement china......i attempted to direct the conversation to dad......who liked red lobster almost as much as mom.....we were ordering, and i pointed out that dad would have ordered the clam strips.....she nodded....and then went back to perusing the menu......for no real reason because she always orders the fried shrimp and crab leg combination with a baked potato....she eats the crab legs and takes the shrimp and potato home for supper....this scenario worked out well yesterday, as we were going to our daughter's boyfriend's belated graduation party that involved a bbq supper at the battlefield....on the way back home my spouse asked if the boyfriend's father was involved at all....no, i replied, because he died some time ago after some peiod of estrangement.....i started to say that the boyfriend had that in common with our daughter....but then that is not true......our daughter has had my spouse as her very-involved father most of her life.....her birth-father was estranged, but he is now working on semi-regular contact.....she has no concept of father's day without a father.....ah well......there is a picture of my mom and dad above the computer table...the one taken at their 47th anniversary party....we celebrated the 47th rather than waiting on the 50th when it became clear that my father would be far from lucid if we postponed......he seems happy and content in this photo.....in the moment rather than agonizing over the past or the future....seems this gentle man still has a few things to teach me about how to live one's life.....

ok, so.....

ok, so.....the nurse from Doctor H.'s office called not long after lunch with these opening words....'I am here with your mother, and she seems confused on her medications'.......i immediately bring up the calendar on my pc......no appt with doctor...then grab my phone and search for that calendar....yikes.....doctor at 3....but it is only 1:30 pm and curiously no mention of it is on the calendar synced with my phone.....but i digress.....i reviewed my mother's medicines with the nurse, who expressed concern that my mother said she took no medications.....he asked about problems...and i mentioned her laying about on her bed watching tv while complaining that her back hurt......her doctor called after another 30 minutes, and told me that she felt that my mother had no business driving, and that she had told her so in her examination....she suspected that my mother would not tell me about her recommendation....just as she had not told me of her appt......she suggested that i hide her keys if i felt uncomfortable with confrontation.....yikes.....my spouse is out of town til late tomorrow....so he and I agreed that we can defer the keys discussion until Thursday at supper, when he can support my request for her keys..........my mother did acknowledge that she went to the doctor today....but she left out the part about the car...go figure.....i feel quite conflicted....as I knew that she should not drive but did not confront her at supper tonight....and she plans to drive to church supper tomorrow....I pray that she travels safely until I have ht enerve to take her keys.....

In honor of Rachel and Joe's wedding...the Collins piece read at our wedding 30 years ago....Judy not Billy...when I hear it read/sung I hear Dan Fogelberg....

What I'll give you since you asked
Is all my time together;
Take the rugged sunny days,
The warm and rocky weather,
Take the roads that I have walked along,
Looking for tomorrow's time,
Peace of mind.

As my life spills into yours,
Changing with the hours
Filling up the world with time,
Turning time to flowers,
I can show you all the songs
That I never sang to one man before.

We have seen a million stone lying by the water,
You have climbed the hills with me
To the mountain shelter.
Taken off the days, one by one,
All lyrics www.allthelyrics.com
Setting them to breathe in the sun.

Take the lilies and the lace
From the days of childhood,
All the willow winding paths
Leading up and outward.
This is what I give
This is what I ask you for;
Nothing more

closure, of a kind.....

ok, so....i am torn between feeling as though my task is over...my quest has been fulfilled, and my promise has been kept.....and as if this hesitation along the trail is just that...another milestone in the path that is parenthood.....in the end the folks who were essential were there to cheer us to the finish line.....and for that i am grateful.....i can only hope that they wil be with us for the trials that are to come....

post traumatic stress.....

ok, so...not only have i failed to blog these many weeks, i have failed to blog about momentous occasions....and for that i am sorry....the point of this blog is and always has been a venue for memory-keeping.....and the events of these past few weeks are certainly memorable.....i have failed to blog about the after-effects of 27,000+ gallons of water spritzing out of the broken water heater valve sometime between close of business on April 29 and 3:00 am on May 1 when the fire alarm was triggered and the fire department broke down the door of the health department.....the disaster was nearly a month ago, and despite overtime and actual meritorious bonus payments for dealing with the aftermath....the reconstruction is far from over and the day-to-day reality is a numbing fog of smoothing over hurt feelings and validating the extra work that many have suffered through to bring this expected insurance coverage about......and all with the clear knowledge that congress could cut off all our funding an make the effort a mute point.... ah well.....somehow it will all work out......i did the right thing by passing on my bonus for tuition due this summer....but i did indulge myself in a matching travel ensemble from vera bradley.....all i need now is a trip (to paris?) to show off my suite,......

sorry about your luck....

ok, so i reserved the use of our truck this morning so i could get a load of mulch....and opted do some scant grocery shopping on my way to get said load of mulch....alas, i had far more in my cart than tthe express line could overlook....and was forced to wait on several folks with huge orders.....the lady in back of me was spouting tag lines to random shoppers.....'sorry about your luck'.....'it must be april fool's day'.......'i have picture ID' .......very surreal....

circles of hell

ok, so i spent my afternoon off in the circle of hell reserved for adult children of aging parents....the space in which one cannot gain access despite a filed POA, the one where the key fits the lockbox at the bank, but the documents required are not there, the one where my mother can show me the drawer where these documents 'used to be' but not where she may have 'hidden' them....until this afternoon i was completely unaware that having a certificate of deposit involved an actual certificate that banks are loathe to replace because of the extra work involved.....heavy sigh.....looking for the silver lining in this otherwise dismal day....

what if god was one of us....

ok, so...i encountered God this morning.....after i got out of my car in front of the comp care building and before i walked into the Rotary meeting.....i had stopped long enough to take off my coat and toss it into the passenger seat....and then tested the reality of my locked car doors by clicking again to hear the honk.....and i turned to walk into the church...and there was a woman walking by.....i am not sure whether she was coming from the home at the end of the parking lot, or from the church playground, or from comp care....i smiled at her......this much i can be sure....and she turned to me and said...'my, but you look nice today'......and then she walked on.....that my part i am doubly sure...because i listened extra carefully because she said "my".......my own family never bothers to comment on my appearance in public, and yet this stranger managed to stop me dead in my tracks with an un-foreseen complement.....i am reminded of the soulful tune by Joan Osborne...

"What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

The woman who spoke to me was just a slob like one of us who took the time to say something kind to one of use....and this act of random kindmess made a differnece in my path toward righteousness.

exasperated....

ok, so....i have so much going on that blogging appears to have dropped down in the list of priorities.....behind parenting issues, budgetary woes, supervisory snafus, and the small yet irritating annoyances that keep me awake at night....like the floral silk scarf that i last wore with the black linen dress ....lost.....and my mother's taxes that remain at the accountant's office......unfinished......that sort of thing.....and the hydrangeas that are either slow to bud out or are in fact....dead....and last ,but not least....is our blind but not deaf cat that decided at 4:30 am to demand her breakfast......not ready to put her out of our misery....too much going on....

a wink is as good as a nod to a blind cat

ok, so.....long-time with no blogs.....there is plenty to blog about, but most of what is going on in my humble existence is embargoed information, either with regards to work, or family, or some form of denial on my part......that said, i have concluded that the cat's pitiable decline is fair game, so to speak.....the cat's eyes started out looking bloodshot, with dilated pupils and an eerie appearance.....the child most likely to be concerned about pet health insisted that she be taken to the vet and all manner of treatment be afforded her.....alas, the cat is at least 14 years old, scraggly and scrawny.....and while emotions may nudge at lifesaving heroics, reality suggests that making her safe and comfortable in her decline is the kindest thing we can do....and so we pick her up and bring her back in the house when she wanders, and nudge her in the general directon of the door when she runs straight into the wall....this has happened more than once, and it is painful to watch......she sometimes misses the plant shelf in the guest room where she takes her meals, or just barely gets her paws hooked on the edge and has to drag herself the rest of the way up.....our poor precious......

reflections on handedness....

ok, so.....the nytimes had an article on handedness this week...one that i have read more than once in hopes of finding clarity.....here is a curious quote....The percentage of left-handers in the population seems to be relatively constant, at 10 percent. And this goes back to studies of cave paintings, looking at which hands hunters are using to hold their spears, and to archaeological analyses of ancient artifacts. So though there has been prejudice against left-handers, and though there may be some developmental risks, said Dr. Geschwind, “there clearly must be advantages as well. The reason why it maintains that way, nobody knows what it is.”

clear advantages to be in the bottom 10% of the population? hmmmm.....i am at a loss for what those advantages might be.....

for the record, i write (poorly) with my left hand, eat with my left hand, and as i sit typing my coffee is at my left hand......if it were the evening, my wine glass would be at my right....i use regular scissors, bat and hold a racket with my right hand......i type with 2 fingers...mostly...sometimes 4 but only if i make an effort and concentrate on the task....i wear my watch on my right wrist....a sure giveaway of handedness......it is a struggle to actually put on a watch, as my left hand is less agile with small tasks....

in my current work day i must 'sign out' at lunch on a board that can only be reached comfortably by a right-hander.....and so i have made it a point of pride to write 'walking' or 'rotary' or 'lunch' in vaguely recognizable block letters with my right hand......and i am in awe that i hold the marker as awkwardly with that hand as i hold any writing implement in my left hand.....could it be that i have no handedness at all? or is my state of ambidextrousness the product of a scrambled brain?

i mentioned at the start that i often reread passages for clarity.....reread entire books numerous times in hopes of gleaning a few extra insights.....could i simply have a learning disability relating to reading that has been overcome by sheer will and persistence? I have rarely read the printed word in novel form since i discovered how to click an order and download a novel to my iphone.....i find a level of satisfaction with the spoken word that i can never recall achieving with rereading the written word.....does this have anything to do with a brain muddled by handedness?

having had my say on personal handedness issues, where do i go from here?.....nowhere different than before my 'rant'.....i suppose...though it will be interesting to see how senility will express itself in terms of handedness....will i simply forget how to hold a pen with my left hand and start using the right hand? will i forget how to use my left hand for fork-ready foods and stop eating altogether?.....or could the advantange of left-handedness be the ability to roll with the punches of senility in a way unknwon to the righties?....hopefully these revelations are years away....and i wil have plenty of time to muddle through with my muddled brain in the meantime....

fast-forward....

ok, so.....circumstances of late are mostly gloomy....with the potential for major cuts in funding for public health (maternal and child nutrition, contraception, breast and cervical cancer. etc...) funding cuts will almost certainly lead to staffing cuts, and mayhem and morale issues will certainly follow.....i would give my eye teeth to simply fast-forward past it all.....

eat, pray, love

ok, so.....i went ahead and watched the movie despite being not-so enamored of the book.....maybe it is because i could not get my mind around a journey to self-discovery that did not include living for a time in paris....

the week that was.....

ok, so......my week started off with the phone call from my mother asking me for a ride to the ER...seems she tripped over the cord to her electric bed pad and split her lip....the ER visit was complicated by the series of questions put ot my mother by each practitioner about the exact anture of her injury....was it an accident or granny abuse- not in so many words but that was the gist.....the fall came on the very day that her housecleaner picked up all the newspapers, inserts, envelopes and other mail components that my mother tosses aside after reading.....it is a miracle that she has not fallen long before this.....i volunteered at the free clinic on Tuesday after work, then went on to the college pool to watch our daughter's last swim meet.....Wednesday evening I helped serve at a church supper...Thursday after work was my EKU class......and finally on Friday I went straight home from work....amen, amen, and amen.....I am following the OSU-Minnesota game on CNN- given that CBS chose to air Wisconsin-Michigan State instead this afternoon.....will probably watch the football game- for the commercials if nothing else....

A Palin-free February

ok, so.....one of my dear on-line Scrabble partners posted to her Facebook page a piece from the Washington Post in which Dana Milbanks takes the Palin-Free February Pledge....he theorizes that she gets coverage because so many of us are obsessed with reading about her latest foolishness, our 'clicks' on links/stories etc just encourages those who write these stories to cover her antics more often.....he further asserts that if we simply stop reading/watching about her, those who write and broadcast will move on to more substantive fodder.....worth a try on my end.....the woman makes me crazy, and is likely to blame (at least partially) for my recent bouts of high blood pressure....so starting Tuesday I pledge to not click on stories I know to be about her......i do not know if I will be able to avert my eyes from headlines that include her name....I would have to give up all news outlets for the month as well.....but I ceetainly can restrain my urge to click on those stories for 28 full daysa....

tragic shooting in AZ

ok, so....a third term democratic congresswoman was shot and 12 others killed or wounded as a gunman opened fire at a town meeting in Tuscon yesterday....the shooter was captured and his myspace site scoured for clues.....from all i can read about him he appears to be anti-government.....my brother has FB'ed that the shooter was clearly a left-wing radical......clearly?......i would describe that sentiment as right-wing....the congresswoman was still shown as under the cross hairs of SarahPac....and the congresswoman herself has given public comment on the 'cross hairs' issue......so, should we as reasonable Americans hold SP responsible for inciting the unstable to actually put the targeted congresswoman in his cross hairs?

comfort and joy

ok, so.....i figured out sometime midmorning that if my brother was on FB then he was not in the car driving to ky and would certainly not be here in time for the annual dinner at Shakertown......and so i sent a simple text....'coming?'....and went about my errands....the reply came just before i picked up my mother for her hair appointment.....not sure if and when he can come given that his roommate just had back sugery and his son has bronchitis.....gentle readers....the post that existed int his space temproarily was removed....as one should never leave a trail when one fusses about one's blood kin about the second year in a row that circumstances beyond their control has prevented them from visiting either their closest blood kin.....so where is the comfort or the joy in this post?.......it was in the short time i spent in my mother's beauty parlor...chatting with an octogenarian from my church, the estranged grandmother of my ex-partner and an elegantly dressed woman who looked 70 but was likely in her 80's (cream cashmere sweater over a taupe sweater/skirt set with lovely Italian cuffed boots with a heel that was not too tall nor too stumpy) named dolly who looked like she could be russian royalty...she told me that i had 'good hair'.....coming from a woman who has inspired me to grey gloriously, this was a compliment indeed.....at this time of year, and at my age one finds comfort and joy anywhere one can....

look in fridge

ok, so.....i slept in til nearly 7:00 am this morning....and as i was shuffling through the kitchen toward the coffeemaker i saw a note on the counter that read.....'look in fridge'.....so i looked in the fridge.....and saw nothing that was not there last night, nothing out of place, and certainly nothing that looked special enough to warrant a note.......will wait for the person with that distinctive handwriting to return with an explanation....

smoked salmon dreams

ok, so.....the few times i get around to blogging seem to be for the sole purpose of recording my dreams.....i was moved to blog on this particular day because i am still thinking about dream from earlier in the week....the one about the hunk of unsliced smoked salmon wrapped up inside a bread-bag and secured with a twist-tie.....the unsliced part was the problematic theme to the dream.....i wanted to have a few bites of the salmon, but the chunk has never been thinly pre-sliced....as every package of smoked salmon that i have ever opened has been so sliced, i had a problem to solve.....that si the part that i cannot remember these days later....just the salmon in the bread bag.....i could go for some smoked salmon right this very minute....preferably with a poached egg over a toasted enlgish muffin topped with hollandaise......oh my.....that is the stuff dreams are made of.....