panic driving home from work.....

ok, so...the snow ramped up as i was walking out the door at 4:30.......and it was not really the snow that got to me...it was the slipperiness and the slight skid as i was trying to brake at the intersection where my original wreck took place.....omg.....thankfully i was able to stop before the red.....heavy sigh.....i drove on but opted to drive on home rather than going on to the gym....i was still fighting tears...at some point this PTSD will pass and i will be able to function without flashbacks.....but that today was not one of those days....

weary

ok, so....my days remain defined by the accident despite my weak efforts to focus on what i can do rather than what i cannot...pain has a way of keeping one's attention front and center upon the source.....i did hear this week from my representation, who disclosed the best case scenario settlement....more than i had imagined so i gave my consent readily.....i will not believe it til i hold a check in my hands....and thewn must come the decisions on what to do with it.....pay us both back for what we took out of savings to buy the replacement car......put aside some for future travels.....maybe add to my retirement account.....recover the chairs in the back room...buy some kayaks.....none of these options is preferable to having my mobility back.....

a carrot in front of my cart

ok, so....i bought plane tickets and booked hotel rooms for a trip to italy in the fall.....fly into venice, take the train to florence then a bus to siena and on to rome by bus as well before flying back.....the flight to venice has two stops and the flight back from rome has only one stop.....did not think that making the hotel bookings with the credit card would be problematic until we got a messgae on the answering machine from the credit card fraud division expressing concern about charges made abroad....nice they pay attention yet i am thankful that the reservations all went through...selected hotels within sight (venice) or reasonable walking distance from boat/train station/bus station.....and then there is the walking in general....i will have to up my level of fitness to be able to manage this vacation, given that i think twice before i get up out of my chair to get a document off of the printer down the hall.....my ankle is still stiff everyday and my limp gets more profound as the day goes on....to say that pain is involved is an overstatement.....not pain, not tenderness....more like discomfort....going up and down stairs as well as walking up inclines (like my own front walk to get the mail) is managable if i take my time.....taking my time is not my travel style.....i am more the batamn death march sort of traveler.....frankly, i do not see myself getting back to that level of recovery....but i can see myself walking at a leisurely pace, even in my current state.....

hesitant

ok, so i have been concocting travel scenarios for weeks......trying to come up with the best possible one-week trip to Italy in October...the current contender .....fly into Venice then train to Florence then on to Siena with an overnight stop continuing on to Rome....possibly paying as little as 10 Euros each if we can figure out how to buy the tickets on-line....and then flying home from Rome with a single stop in Charlotte....sounds fabulous and ambitious and doable...so why have i not booked the particulars like airfare and hotels?......the notion of travel where i do not know the language is frightening......and ridiculously so, given the likelihood that there will be somebody who can understand the italian words i intend to learn between now and then....more the more likely explanation is my lingering limp....which is knida the point about planning a trip so far away...something to get fit for and to train for....have i so little confidence that this ankle will get better that i would forgoe a trip rather than face?

golly neds

ok, so.....my go-to phrase for the frustrations of getting around with a stiff and sometimes painful ankle is golly neds.....no memory of any of my close kin using the same expletive....despite the knowledge that this phrase is something someone's granny would say and certainly not a term used by the hip kids.....heavy sigh....hard to contemplate the majore trips i have in mind for our retirement.....the 4-day hike across new zealand's south island and the pilgrimage to santiago des compostella from the pyrenees across northern spain......on the other hand, my mood was lightened this week by my spouses's suggestion that i start planning a trip to 'train' for...someplace that will involve some walking for one that could encorporate frequent stops for meals/snacks/beverages/general gawking.....gentle readers, i do not need much of an excuse for a trip, and immediately settled on venice as the perfect place for a trip sometime this fall....seems doable even for someone with a gimpy leg, and plenty of opportunity for stops in cafes......have ordered an assortment of guidebooks and an italian phrase book....enjoying the investigation of potential flights, b&b's, itineraries....the glass is back to half-full rather than half empty....

6 months.....

ok, so....six months ago.....fresh from my accident.....numerous friends and relatives assured me to 'give it six months'.....ankles take at six months to get back to normal....heavy sigh....six months passes quickly by on this day and i am far from normal....i struggle to get up and down stairs....less so if traversing with both hands clasping rails....most steps are taken down one at a time, even if i am carrying nothing of consequence....i did manage to carry my coffee upstairs to shower and dress, but then i had to leave it there and make more downstairs....one feels so ashamed to ask help in bringing down one's coffee.....maybe if i put it in a camel-back device....i cannot yet balance on one foot if that foot is attached to the ankle broken six months ago.....let alone do single leg lifts on that side anywhere but in waist-high water.....swimming 30 minute laps is essential for my sanity, but i freely admit that swmiiming will not get me ready for travel to anywhere that requires walking of any distance or terrain that deviates from flat.....gentle reader, please do not mistake this update for anything other than that...an update....i have ceased to feel sorry for myself....and have hunkered down into the resolve that i can make all this better over time.....how much time?......not six months it would appear....

checking off the list

ok, so...i spent a fair amount of time over the past two long holiday weekends cleaning out the laundry room, hauling junk to the goodwill,transferring the rest to the furnace room, and washing down reachable surfaces...and so today i opened the mint green paint leftover from the upstairs bathroom to for the walls and leftover white enamel for the shelves, trim and steps.....the steps were the last...and required an exit through the door in stephan's room......i locked one of the two locks...must go back later and secure the deadbolt......all that is left is to purchase floor paint...but actually painting the floor must wait until the youngest goes back to school.....

coulda, shoulda, woulda

ok, so.....i come to the last day of 2012 with the burden of things not done rather than the satisfaction of things that i actually managed to accomplish.....how is it that my cup flip-flops between half-full and half empty so frequently?.....so, here is my 2013 bucket list, in no particular order.....rearrange the basement then repaint the walls, floors and steps.....lay bricks to the greenhouse......repurpose the area under the deck......paint the walls and ceiling of the cabin white.......get serious with drip hose placement in all garden beds.....notice the lack of travel related goals?.....hard to envision travel when one cannot walk 1/4 mile without pain.....ah well...back to filing/sorting/pitching in the newly established office area in the guest bedroom.....maybe i can finish this task in 2012....

blindsided

ok, so.....i swam laps after work....30 minutes back and forth followed by 5 minutes of leg lifts in the sem-shallow end...then home to cook supper.....opted to skip the post-meal television viewing with the remaining fam, as the third child chose a documentary on pit bulls for their viewing pleasure.....played bejeweled instead.....and that turned out to be the beginning of an unfortunate discussion at bedtime.....over concerns on the part of my dearest that i am not doing enough to quick-start my recovery....why was i wasting time on FB games when i could be walking on the treadmill.....when i found myself really disabled would not i regret sitting all those hours at the computer?.....gentle readers, i have been swimming after work faithfully four times a week since the beginning of september....when i could drive there myself....swimming is something i can do without pain.....walking is still something that i do when i have to.....my beloved contends that one must walk through the pain if one is to recover....he has been injured so many times i suppose he would know....but i have never been injured and that logic makes no sense to me.....

hope versus dispair

ok, so....i am five month's post-accident....and while my ankle does a little bit better every day, i find that battling dispair takes up far too much of my mental energy....i am reminded of just how far i have to go the moment i land on my feet in the morning.....i cannot yet manage to get to the bathroom without grasping onto furniture for support, and must still walk down the steps one at a time with one hand on the rail and the other using the wall for support....i feel as though there is a circle of hemp rope inside my sock where my big toe should be...it prickles throughout the day, even when i am not walking on it....my sister-in-law mentioned in August at the reunion that she would really like to have Ernst and I travel to France with her and Nick E. during rose season....there are several world-class rose gardens near Paris.....i cannot imagine, at this point, walking further than a block or two at a time, which greatly limits one's range in sight-seeing unless one falls back to taxi's....and there is the rub....i am not a taxi-sort of traveler......too depressing to contemplate.....if i cannot even conceive of myself in Paris, how can i entertain my grander retirement plans....of the pilgrimage to Santiago de Compestello, or the Grand Traverse in New Zealand?.......heavy sigh....

another day, much like every other

ok, so.....the repetitive nature of my life is getting a bit much....i wake up, try to flex and stretch my right ankle for a bit, then put my feet to the floor, and stagger to find my footing as i wince in pain....and then i take the steps one at a time, grasping the rail on one side and leaning on the wall on the other....and then i limp down the hall, dodging the dog who seems determined to trip me up before i can put his food in his bowl....all the while the cat is darting back and forth under my feet wanting her breakfast as well....and finally i sit down at the computer desk and wish that i did not have to get up and get dressed any time soon....it is saturday, which means that i should get to the pool as soon after opening at 8:00 am as possible to assure myself of getting a lane....and then comes the round of grocery stores...first the kroger and then the aldi and then i come home to laundry, watering the greenhouse, etc.....i suppose the monotony would not seem so monotonous if pain was not involved.....well...pain is not quite the correct descriptive....more like excessive discomfort at this point....add in the continued numbness in my big toe......heavy sigh...i am so very tired of having to think twice before i get up out of my chair, knowing that getting from point a to point b is more of an ordeal that it should be....yes, it could be worse and i have no reason to complain given that reality.....i remain hopeful that this time next year this will all be a faded memory....

more of the same....

ok, so....this week was much like many others.....drag myself out of bed, after flexing my foot this way and that during the npr news update at the bottom of the hour.....then on to work...and then to the pool to swim and then home to get supper on the table and then to bed.....i managed ot get a bit of shopping done yesterday after swimming....two groceries and then stops at local businesses to buy gift cards and stocking stuffers....cannot embrace the notion of a cash-only Christmas for my children just yet.....i also bought cards to send from the collected us that includes my mother....and i started to think about the annual letter...and that is hwere i got sidetracked.....do i sugar-coat the past year into peppy sound bites or do i disclose the darker underbelly of disappointment and unfulfilled hopes/dreams? and that is just me....no clue how my family will vote....

the new normal

ok, so.....i woke up today and for a moment i forgot that my foot/ankle is still in transition between broken and whole.....it only takes the flash of pain when my feet hit the floor to remind me that i have a long ways to go....lets go through the checklist....my big toe is still mostly numb...like it fell asleep and has not quite come back to life.....pins and needles.....quite disturbing....the notion that my doctor says that it may not get any better than this....on days when my foot is a bit swollen my other toes join the big toe in the pins and needles thing, but that happens less and less.....on to the ankle....it remains swollen...not like the goose-egg coming out of each side like it once was....but visibly bigger than my left ankle....as for pain, it has centered on the right side....the discomfort appears to be in direct proportion to how fast i walk....geisha steps do not register, but strides make me wince....gentle readers....walking fast and deliberate is my trademark....and for my doctor to tell me that it may not get any better than this is both discouraging and a challenge.....to prove him wrong...all wrapped up in one...i continue to swim laps at least 4 days a week...at least 30 minutes of laps before i practice standing on the broken foot and doing ankle lifts to strengthen it. I am considering an exercycle to increase the cardio workout without putting too much weight on the ankle.....and to jumpstart a bit of weight loss....i suppose my ankle would hurt less if i weighed less.....but that is a lament for another day....

last hurrah?

ok, so i escorted my mother to the polling place this morning...after swimming laps.....and she seemed very pleased to have a picture ID to show the poll worker.....she took great care to fill out her ballot....i waited at an acceptable distance in case i could be accused of voter supression.....we drove to applebees for lunvh and then to krogers.....she fussed frequently about the television in her room that has not sound and cojoled me to drive her to the walmart to buy a new tv....no...i admonished...your doctor specifically instructed you to watch the television in your backroom because it has a back-supportive chair....you do yourself a disservice to watch television from your bed.....heavy sigh.....i recalled the last time my father voted....my mother insisted that she accompany him into the booth to shop him how to vote.....the voting place folks interceded and insisted that if he could not vote on his own he should not vote at all.....will she be with us to vote in 2016? heavy, heavy....sigh

ok, so i searched my pc files for the picture of our late yellow dog, aptly named....yellow.....and was not surprised to find him in a blog dated november 3, 2008...at the last presedential election.....i have a badge with his picture that i will wear to our regular election night party around the corner......it is one of the few places where my yellow dog leanings are not only welcome, but thoroughly understood....

getting better every day....

ok, so.....i am into week 14 of my recovery.....walking mostly without a crutch, mostly straight, and mostly without significant pain....pain is not the best descriptive for the feeling one gets when one's flesh has swollen out between the straps of one's sandal.....discomfort doesn't quite fit either....had i the stamina to walk into the backroom in search of a thesaurus to find a better word i would do so, but my foot is swollen up around my sandal and i prefer to just sit here and settle for lesser adjectives....my spouse says i must have walked far too much yesterday:....two stores in lexington and across a parking lot to RL after swimming laps, watering the greenhouse, and weeding here and there by the terrace. I also managed to carry numerous bags of groceries into my mother's house and into my house....including the bargain wines i bought at Trader Joe's...I am mighty partial to the fume blanc from chile...or it is SV....not worth climbing the stairs to be certain....these days i calculate the relative importance of each movement requiring me to get up and walk...even on flat surfaces....this truth makes the comments by others so ironic....'you must be doing too much' is how the conversation tends to start....how can a person who consciously decides to move eahc and every time she moves be doing too much?....but yet today my foot is swollen and i accomplished far fewer tasks then intended....the highlight of the week was the putting on of lace-up shoes....i really do walk straighter with arch support....the list of shoes that can accomodate the angry-looking ankle was limited to three pairs of sandals and two pairs of clogs...so the addition of another shoe that can be worn with socks on cold days is certainly progress.....Precious is making progress of her own...she has transitioned from shivering in hercrawl space hidey-hole to wandering through the house while everyone else is asleep to following us outdoors for a bit of fresh air to curling up at my feet...in our bed....for a nice little nap sometime before dawn last night....so very kind of my spouse to see the sweetness in having a rescue cat who knew no home find comfort in sleeping with her new family.....

PTSD

ok, so....i had a bit of a breakdown last evening....i was sitting on the basement floor, trying to lure out the new cat with a toy on a string......she was not buying any of this 'come on out sweet precious kitty' stuff....i got to thinking about how i had planned to paint the basement floor once the freezer was gone...and those thoughts of the months out of my planned-out life that were lost....multiplied by the nagging pain and swelling that remains in my recovering foot...i started in crying....no...outright sobbing....sobbing so loudly that my spouse came downstairs to ask what was going on...and he tried to help me get the cat out of the furnace-area croawl space where she has boon holed up since tuesday evening....it occured to him that maybe she was in stephan's room...where i had sat earlier in the evening watching a movie as a way to lure out the cat...yep...she was under his bed....and when he fished her out she darted past me so quickly i did not have time to put my sandals back on and i tried running after her in bare feet...only to stumble....and start sobbing all over again.....gentle readers....i cannot recall the last time i had a good cry.....seems to me it was well after my miscarriage.....must be a pattern....keep it together during the tragedy but fall apart after everybody assumes that i have gotten over it.....clealry i am not over the wreck, the loss of kitty, the loss of un-watered boxwoods, roses and vegetable plants...and now that my new cat seems to have foresaken me....it became too much.....

folding up the walker

ok, so.....though i am far from back to normal, i have decided that it is time to put away a few of the trappings of disability....like the walker that has stood by the toilet and bathtub in the retirement suite.....when something seems in the way rather than at the ready, it is time to move on.....will probably store it here rather than back in my mother's attic.....i could also strip the guest bed and tidy up the remainder of my belongings in that room.......for that metter, i could put my laundry away rather than continuing to live out of the laundry basket, as i have done for 10 weeks now....the crutches.....not so fast....i do use the one upstairs to get around after a long day and the swollen foot that results from being far too active.....and i do use the downstairs crutch in the same fashion, as well as to get in and out of work....we have taken up the mini-ramps at each doorway that allowed the wheelcahir to go over the hump a bit easier....the wheechair went back to the rental place last monday.....the piles of pillows i use on the sofa and on the front porch still prove useful so i will leave them be for the time being.....i could keep my fold-up cane in the car for times like today....i am driving mother to lexington to eat lunch at red lobster....seems to me a fold-up cane would be easier to maneuver in a restaurant than a crutch.....i teach sunday school tomorrow for the first time in 10 weeks as well.....at some point i need to put my feet up and read the lesson.....at some point....

behind the wheel....

ok, so i drove home from the wellness center this morning....after 30 minutes of lap swim and a few more of my rehab exercises....the drive was awkward....partly because i have not driven in nine weeka, but mostly because i have not driven an automatic in recent memory....i wanted so badly to shift gears...but i digress.....i make progress every day with walking....i am walking with one crutch outside and away from home, but walking unassisted inside the house.....my limp is slowly....ever so slowly easing up....and curiously, i can not feel my right toe...it is asleep and no amount of massage seems to wake it up.....will ask physical therapist about this on monday morning....an appointment that i will keep by myself without a personal driver.....

matching shoes

ok, so....i was given the go-ahead to ditch the boot and to wear shoes on friday during the eight-week followup visit. i was also given permission to drive....when i feel safe driving....i insisted that we stop at the house for the right shoe that went with the left shoe i was wearing at the time...only to realize that i could not fit my still sowllen foot into the matching shoe.....and so i opted to wear a pair of merrills that are adjustable at several fit-point by clever velcro straps....and so i walked slowly into work with a single crutch.....and walked everywhere throughout the building the rest of the day...and walked through the grocery aisles after work...and then collasped into the wheechair at home...exhausted doesn't even cover it because the term neglects a severely swollen foot......the notion of driving is far from my mind....i have to work through the swelling first....my order is for physical therapy three times a week for the short term....hopefully this attention to mechanics will pay off with less swelling and discomfort.....