coulda, shoulda, woulda

ok, so.....i come to the last day of 2012 with the burden of things not done rather than the satisfaction of things that i actually managed to accomplish.....how is it that my cup flip-flops between half-full and half empty so frequently?.....so, here is my 2013 bucket list, in no particular order.....rearrange the basement then repaint the walls, floors and steps.....lay bricks to the greenhouse......repurpose the area under the deck......paint the walls and ceiling of the cabin white.......get serious with drip hose placement in all garden beds.....notice the lack of travel related goals?.....hard to envision travel when one cannot walk 1/4 mile without pain.....ah well...back to filing/sorting/pitching in the newly established office area in the guest bedroom.....maybe i can finish this task in 2012....

blindsided

ok, so.....i swam laps after work....30 minutes back and forth followed by 5 minutes of leg lifts in the sem-shallow end...then home to cook supper.....opted to skip the post-meal television viewing with the remaining fam, as the third child chose a documentary on pit bulls for their viewing pleasure.....played bejeweled instead.....and that turned out to be the beginning of an unfortunate discussion at bedtime.....over concerns on the part of my dearest that i am not doing enough to quick-start my recovery....why was i wasting time on FB games when i could be walking on the treadmill.....when i found myself really disabled would not i regret sitting all those hours at the computer?.....gentle readers, i have been swimming after work faithfully four times a week since the beginning of september....when i could drive there myself....swimming is something i can do without pain.....walking is still something that i do when i have to.....my beloved contends that one must walk through the pain if one is to recover....he has been injured so many times i suppose he would know....but i have never been injured and that logic makes no sense to me.....

hope versus dispair

ok, so....i am five month's post-accident....and while my ankle does a little bit better every day, i find that battling dispair takes up far too much of my mental energy....i am reminded of just how far i have to go the moment i land on my feet in the morning.....i cannot yet manage to get to the bathroom without grasping onto furniture for support, and must still walk down the steps one at a time with one hand on the rail and the other using the wall for support....i feel as though there is a circle of hemp rope inside my sock where my big toe should be...it prickles throughout the day, even when i am not walking on it....my sister-in-law mentioned in August at the reunion that she would really like to have Ernst and I travel to France with her and Nick E. during rose season....there are several world-class rose gardens near Paris.....i cannot imagine, at this point, walking further than a block or two at a time, which greatly limits one's range in sight-seeing unless one falls back to taxi's....and there is the rub....i am not a taxi-sort of traveler......too depressing to contemplate.....if i cannot even conceive of myself in Paris, how can i entertain my grander retirement plans....of the pilgrimage to Santiago de Compestello, or the Grand Traverse in New Zealand?.......heavy sigh....

another day, much like every other

ok, so.....the repetitive nature of my life is getting a bit much....i wake up, try to flex and stretch my right ankle for a bit, then put my feet to the floor, and stagger to find my footing as i wince in pain....and then i take the steps one at a time, grasping the rail on one side and leaning on the wall on the other....and then i limp down the hall, dodging the dog who seems determined to trip me up before i can put his food in his bowl....all the while the cat is darting back and forth under my feet wanting her breakfast as well....and finally i sit down at the computer desk and wish that i did not have to get up and get dressed any time soon....it is saturday, which means that i should get to the pool as soon after opening at 8:00 am as possible to assure myself of getting a lane....and then comes the round of grocery stores...first the kroger and then the aldi and then i come home to laundry, watering the greenhouse, etc.....i suppose the monotony would not seem so monotonous if pain was not involved.....well...pain is not quite the correct descriptive....more like excessive discomfort at this point....add in the continued numbness in my big toe......heavy sigh...i am so very tired of having to think twice before i get up out of my chair, knowing that getting from point a to point b is more of an ordeal that it should be....yes, it could be worse and i have no reason to complain given that reality.....i remain hopeful that this time next year this will all be a faded memory....

more of the same....

ok, so....this week was much like many others.....drag myself out of bed, after flexing my foot this way and that during the npr news update at the bottom of the hour.....then on to work...and then to the pool to swim and then home to get supper on the table and then to bed.....i managed ot get a bit of shopping done yesterday after swimming....two groceries and then stops at local businesses to buy gift cards and stocking stuffers....cannot embrace the notion of a cash-only Christmas for my children just yet.....i also bought cards to send from the collected us that includes my mother....and i started to think about the annual letter...and that is hwere i got sidetracked.....do i sugar-coat the past year into peppy sound bites or do i disclose the darker underbelly of disappointment and unfulfilled hopes/dreams? and that is just me....no clue how my family will vote....