ok, so i found this bit from the new yorker from the shouts and murmurs department to be hysterically funny......

SUMMER RECIPES
by HENRY ALFORD
Issue of 2003-06-30
Posted 2003-06-23
Seasonal cooking is anyway better suited to those who live in sunnier climates. The rest of us need to make the most of what warmth is offered, and much of the time this has to emanate from the kitchen rather than from the skies outside. Summer, then, is an idea, a memory, a hopeful projection.
—Nigella Lawson, “Forever Summer.”





Sun-Dried Tomatoes

8 tomatoes
6 c. olive oil


Unscrew a 100-watt light bulb while it is still gorgeously warm. With a rubbing motion, thrill the skins of the tomatoes until they start to pucker and tumesce. Uncork the oil; drizzle onto tomatoes until lubricious.




Skinny-Dipping at Dusk

8 c. water
25 lbs. cocoa


Store the water in a cool place, allowing it to bio-ripen for a period lasting months or even years. Meanwhile, fill your largest roasting pan with cocoa. Roll in cocoa.




Gone Fishin’

1 telephone
1 couch


Unplug the telephone and assume a position on your couch which suggests an odalisque or any late-career Ingres portrait. Should people or problems present themselves, bite into a nougatty chocolate and say teasingly, “I can’t help you. I’m very Ingres-y with you.” Let the slipcovers puddle around you like a light vinaigrette.




Summery Chinese Toboggan Salad

1 can bamboo shoots
1/2 c. sesame oil
4 stalks celery, chopped
Juice and zest of 3 lemons
1 wooden toboggan


Put the toboggan in a food processor and pulse for ten seconds on Eviscerate. Remove the splinters from the processor and toss with other ingredients. Arrange on a plate with your bare hands, letting your fingers burrow into the mixture as they do when encountering the rich loam of the earth. Strike your gong.




August Romance

2 c. high-quality vinegar
10 toffee caramels


Unsheath the caramels laughingly, unconcerned of outcome. Fork-prick to soften. Using the soft pads of your thumb and index finger to palpate the caramels, tease them into the vinegar, saying, “Mummy knows what’s best.” Put the whole concoction away someplace dark. Have a glass of Prosecco with a friend, displaying blitheness and a tendency, when food has been dropped on the floor, to plop it back onto your plate with a soulful, sensuous expression.

Can you leave the vinegar alone for between three days and three weeks? Try to, darling—what you’re doing here is tempering yourself as well as the candy. Enjoy this. Because when you return to the vinegar the caramels will be gone.