ok, so...

Obama as Antichrist theory a revelation
Joel Pett
Herald-Leader Cartoonist

Wow. Forgive my pre-election excitement, but after months of assuming that the right-wing yak-radio crowd is as willfully ignorant and intellectually dishonest as is humanly possible, finally, I've met my first Kentuckian who believes — drum roll and triumphal angelic chorus, please — that Barack Obama is the Antichrist.

Now, lots of people have been feared to be the Antichrist, including Hitler, various popes, Osama bin Laden and Christian Laettner. The Bible is pretty vague on the subject, but I've always figured the AC would turn wine back into water (good news in dry counties), give lepers something even worse, (like AIDS or Bengals tickets) and generally mislead humankind into end times, probably with phony campaign ads and tricky credit-card offers.

I think the good book also says the AC can really "drain the 3," which would seem to implicate either Obama or Laettner, but not the set-shot-era Hitler or bin Laden, who is said to be more of a ruthless defensive stopper.

My Antichrist guy wasn't a scary cave-dweller, but a pleasant dude, a working stiff, a real-life Joe-the-TV-repairman, whose daily routines presumably bring him into contact with ideas, not just of biblical times, but of — another drum roll, please — the 21st century.

A little political chit-chat revealed that he had never voted (he is 28), that his wife's church had convinced him of the Antichrist theory and that, among other things, he objected to welfare and affirmative action.

I explained that Obama is more about individual responsibility than government handouts and, for good measure, mentioned that although Obama hasn't benefited from quotas, both John McCain and George Dubya got into their respective institutions of higher learning as legacies, the original affirmative action for connected white guys.

His response? "Why shouldn't they? Their families helped build this country." (True enough, and unlike the forebears of minorities, they got paid for it.)

It was enlightening to be in the presence of someone so profoundly unqualified to live in a democracy, much less vote in it, but I didn't debate him very hard because I had never considered the possibility that the Democratic nominee, outwardly a remarkable, inspirational, historic candidate might be moonlighting as Armageddon-master to the true believers.

I also needed my TV service restored in time for Sean Hannity, whom I believe to be a contender, if not for Antichrist, at least for some quasi-satanic underling status, like fetching the Antichrist's anti-slippers or emptying his anti-bedpan.

In retrospect, I do have a question or two.

Why, after all, would the Antichrist bother with the travails of an election campaign? You would think that if you were going to preside over the downfall and devastation of humanity and ride herd on the Rapture, you'd forego the freezing February town halls in New Hampshire, skip the Cedar Rapids socials and get right to the anti-to-do list.

And if Obama loses, well I guess that thwart's God's centuries-old master plan. Seems odd that the fate of the planet could be affected by an undecided Ohio voter's view on trade protectionism or Freddie Mac. Democracy works in mysterious ways.

Finally, it occurs to me that if Obama is the Anti-christ, but benefited unfairly from affirmative action, then there must be a better-qualified white Antichrist out there somewhere who got passed over for the gig and is no doubt plenty ticked off.

So watch out if someone hijacks your plane or tries to give you Bengals tickets.