ok, so last night i went with cayle and my mother to a mother-daughter event at her church. i have never done anything like this before, but it turned out that it was as important to my daughter as it was to my mother, so i went despite my fatigue and lack of enthusiasm. the event was called "celebrating weddings at centenary' or something like that. the banquet room was decorated like a wedding reception. we played shower games at each table, there were bubbles and wedding favors at each place.....there were wedding pictures of church members (19 or so) and ballots so that you could guess on who was who....we sat at a table with a neighbor (around the corner and down a bit) who(whom?) i had never met, and her grown daughter from lexington. we found ourselves discussing the big marijauna bust from last fall that took place in fields between us and the prison. you might not know about it because it happned on 9/10- and the account ended up in a tiny paragraph on the back page rather than a major story complete with photo given the tragic circumstances of 9/11. we all talked about our emotions at seeing huey type transport helicoptors hovering over the horizon- like some sort of invasion force- at first we thought that it was a prison escape or some sort- then we deduced that it must be a drug bust. i can't recall the actual plant count- but it was sizable. the plants were grown amongst the weeds rather than the traditional corn plants.

anyway, it was nice to have something in common with this woman who has lived near me without meeting me for over 20 years. and it was nice to sit with my female family during the style show of wedding gowns. only one woman in attendence could wear her own gown- jule and laura johnson, among others, modeled church member gowns- there was one dress that caused me to grow slightly nauseated- it was from a wedding in 1973- and it was the same pattern that i used to make my prom dress that year- and it looked horrid- i had an uncomfortable flashback- fashion deja vu is an ugly thing......after the style show we had punch and wedding cake in the parlor- cayle ate a large piece and since i had none- she sat on my lap. for those who have had their daughters since birth, since may sound insignificant- but for someone who is inching up on a maternal relationship- this was huge. she felt like getting up in my lap, and it felt right. she is a daddy's girl at heart- probably because she feels the lack of knowledge about birth father, and because ernst is such a daddy kind of guy. that is just fine with me- but we mothers need to have some physical connection with our children before they reject us- and cayle and i are still working on this. i asked her if she wanted to try on my wedding dress one day- she just beamed at the notion.......

for what it is worth, i made my wedding dress in less than a week, for about 60 dollars including pattern, from a scetch i made of something i had seen in a bridesmade dress in a magazine. mean mamma doesn't do frou-frou. it was a satin sleeveless sheath dress with a sheer organza overdress, tea length, with a wide satin ribbon at the waist and tiny ribbons at the wrists. it was simple yet elegant- i wore flat ballerina slippers and a refashioned version of my mothers veil attached to a lace kind of headpiece- the veil wouldn't stay on so i kind of heaved it during the ceremony and it is in few of the pictures. i have been told since that my hair was probably too clean. 21 years later, i really do still like that dress- its simplicity, its lack of pretense and expense, and the fact that i made it myself. princess di married the month after i did- with far greater expense and hoopla, and without the happy ending, alas....