the ink is on the bottom line.....

ok, so this day arrived so abruptly.....my part of the signing took place in my 'cubicle' of an exam room in l. county......with mismatched seating....and no phone.......and while i have never been divorced....the signing took on all the finality that a divorce must bring......of dissolution.....regret for mistakes that led to that very moment......much more than estrangement.....more like demise.......i think death is easier than divorce (again, i have never been divorced, so i am supposing here).......because in death the other party is gone and the end is final.....but having the other party still walking about, and thinking ill of you is much harder to bear......not that this is a problem for me....one of my worst character flaws is the ability to walk away from most human relationships without looking back......though i am actively trying to reform....as i have walked away from relationships the loss of which i do sorely regret.......and so......why is it that i have no interest in breaking out the bottle of champagne on the basement.....i have been away from the restaurant since 7/31/04........and yet i feel the loss as acutely now as i did then...or rather the feeling that my failures led me to this very moment.....and in my new job there is not the sense that there will be a success to offset that feeling of failure......public health nutrition is an investment in the future.....without any hope of immediate reward...........but i digress.........i am fortunate to have landed so well from what could have been a horrific fall.......and i will endeavor to see this as a glass half full rather than half empty......