mean for more than a quarter century.....

ok, so i have been reading through a collection of old notebooks and letters.......these surfaced in my mad race to tidy up before the professional cleaners arrived.......and i am in amazement just how mean i was to certain men i went out with at one time or another........mean may be too harsh a descriptive......but at least three of the letters from three different gentlemen (from a time span between beginning college through grad school) complained that 'it was my turn to write'......or words to that effect.....which must have meant that i was blowing them off...more by lack of response rather than the direct 'i don't care to hear from you again' manner..........on the other hand there is a touching letter from my first 'love' explaining why he wasn't coming 'back' to me even though he had broken up with my ex-best friend....the one he left me for......got it?.......there was also mention of my needing to grow up.....that much is still true, i suppose....by the way, this guy works in dc as a career civil servant.....his letter was so smooth a blow-off that all these years later i am happy for him rather than hurt for myself.......but back to the need to grow up......i am not nearly as careful of the feelings of others as i could be, should be and desire to be......the letters are not nearly as painful to read as the notebooks, which contain sincere attempts at song lyrics,poetry......diary entries......impressions written under obvious intoxication......addresses for people of which i have no memory.......notes from classes......i did like the list of medicines that will kill staph aureus........i am sure that there are many more drugs available now than were available then....a listing of all of my sweaters.....curious why i would make such a list......there were program plans for an event at the group home for mentally retarded adults that i did for my graduate project....that led to me meeting my spouse, actually......in my notes there was a listing of disabilities specific to current residents of the home.....2 with down syndrome....1 with cerebral palsy....etc......interesting to read through it now.......there was a poem written TO me by a really strange admirerer.......this stuff is all pre-1980.......makes me wonder what i have done with letters and notebooks after that......or did i just stop writing down such thoughts until i began this blog.......i did have a minor epiphany when reading these old 'notes to myself/notes from myself'......that my mother probably read every one of them before she passed them along to me.....and this would explain my children's desire for me NOT to read their prose/blogs/emails........some things just are that private.........